Black Man, as always, I love and appreciate you! I want to thank you for tapping in and I know it's Wednesday but in full transparency, what I was going to post yesterday I didn't feel was up to my standard so I went back to the lab because I value your time and it is important to me that you walk away feeling empowered. And with that let's dig in!
Your world without is typically a reflection of who you are internally. Put plainly, the people we have in our lives, have either been manifested or attracted from within. I kinda want to let that sit right there for a moment as your mind scans the people and the relationship you have with them that are currently apart of your life.
I can hear some of you all now saying, "Hold up, some of these people I just work with so this can’t be totally accurate… True, some of the people who are in our lives are there merely by happenstance and I get that, however to the extent that we have allowed them into our lives is still a choice we have made be it consciously or subconsciously. And thus a reflection of who we are as individuals because we have made “room” for them. Just think about it, you don't rock with everybody you work with so you have made room for the ones that you do...
In the exact same way that we look at the foods that we eat, when we eat them, and what about ourselves causes us to "indulge" in our food choices, the same introspection must be done in regard to our "diet" of people we are connected to. This look within will likely lead us to evaluate and adjust our friendships and reexamine our intimate relationships if necessary.
Friendships - Why are your friends, your friends? Don’t trip, I am not going to make this elementary and give you a lecture about how you have cast your life. However, I earnestly ask this question because if you have little more than time and loyalty on the list of why you “hang” with certain people, then what more can you expect from them as it pertains to you trying to go and grow towards your goals and dreams?
In no way am I throwing shade at or undervaluing longevity or loyalty, but we left off last week's discussion with the Rakim jewel that constant elevation creates expansion, so if your friends don’t check off the box of elevation, then it is time that you add friends to your mix that will inspire and challenge you to become a better version of yourself.
If your current friends aren’t serving as that challenge or inspiration then they are a reflection of your natural desire for comfort. We all have this innate desire for comfort, however, we must be constantly reminded that we must step outside of our comfort zone in order to expand it. I know this concept isn’t serving as a news flash and that is because at its core this concept is biblical. Proverbs 27:17 gives us the jewel that “as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” So if you are feeling like your life is becoming dull, more than likely so are the people who surround you.
Spouse / Significant Other - I am from the personal belief that nothing says more about a man than the woman he chooses to spend the rest of his life with. In fact, I teach my son that the woman he chooses to be his wife is the most important decision that he will ever make. My son is eight years old.
As I attempt to put in context not only the importance of the decision but also how this choice is our most obvious reflection of who we are internally, one of my childhood friends may have given the best synopsis of what it truly means to be in a successful marriage or relationship with someone. She stated that particularly in marriages, people begin to treat their spouse much like blood relatives, meaning that no matter what we may say or do, our relatives are family and nothing is going to change that. She went on to say that too often we forget that our spouse is with us by choice and that we are obligated to approach each day in our relationship with a mindset to make choices and actions that reinstill confidence in their decision to remain in this relationship.
While I couldn’t have put it better myself, I do want to unpack some of the layers of her point of view. Alright Black Man, here comes the curve ball.
Bro, it might be time to look elsewhere… Look I am all for Black Love and building Black Families! But as my big sister always told me, "Everything good to you, ain’t good for you…" I know that our masculine conditioning has led a lot of these conversations to become taboo, but if we are keeping it a buck, you can do bad all by yourself. Proverbs 12:4 states that "A wife of noble character is her husbands crown, but she who causes shame is like decay in his bones."
I can hear some of the women reading this saying to themselves, “Really Alan.” Yeah, really. I try my best to keep it real every week with my readers and the reality is that not every relationship is destined to work. Toxic relationships aren't good for no one. Don't get me wrong Black Man, I am not saying that you are perfect and I know that she has probably taken soooooo much of your stuff and y’all still rocking with each other and you feel compelled to keep trying so you don't walk away with nothing but memories and I get that. But for everyone reading this, what is the purpose of watering a plant that isn’t getting any sunlight?
If the seeds of our relationships aren’t continuously bearing fruit then we can’t be afraid to uproot them and look for fertile land. And don’t get me wrong that doesn’t necessarily mean go on to find someone new. Why? Because more than likely the person that you need to find is yourself… Again, our world without is a reflection of our world within.
If you constantly argue with your significant other or y’all stay into it over every little thing, Black Man, you have some inner healing to do. I know some of you are so far down the road of your relationship that you feel that you have traveled too far to turn back and that it is too late to start over. I completely understand that sentiment and if this is your perspective hopefully, you have enough equity in your relationship to ask your Queen to at least give you a time-out while you work on yourself. That may mean seeking professional help, or that may mean seeking spiritual guidance, whatever the case may be, we as Black Men have to become more open to the idea of seeking help from people beyond our friends and family.
With all that being said and despite all the damage your relationship has endured if your desire is to still make things work then I truly hope things are still salvageable because Proverbs 18:22 says that "He who finds a wife finds a treasure and receives favor from the Lord." And as we all know God’s favor supersedes all things and should be something that we consistently seek to attain.
Alan are you telling me to leave, or are you telling me to stay? What I am telling you is to make the choice that coincides with what you want out of life. Let’s be real you know if you have a keeper or not. If she is a keeper than Black Man, get your act together. We are very quick to ask women to accept us for who we are but at the same time, we want them to bend and be malleable for us. That isn’t fair nor sustainable. We must hold ourselves to the standard that we expect from them and that may entail that we expand our idea on gender roles and responsibilities to make room for our Queen to move more freely across the chess board of our lives.
In contrast, if you don't see the relationship as reconcileable than gracefully let her know, take your lessons learned in love and go rediscover yourself. With healing you will attract not only the intimate relationship you desire but also the people in your life that reflect the path you wish to travel on your journey.
Alright Black Man, it’s about time to put a bow on this one. Transformation by definition is a dramatic change in form or appearance. This blog is and will forever be about us as Black Men going to the next level and on that journey, many transformations are going to take place. How well we adapt to those changes that are a result of our transformations will undoubtedly require the assistance and support of the people that we surround ourselves with, be it our friends or our significant others. So not only do I urge you to choose wisely, but I will also implore you to make sure that the people in your life challenge, encourage and support you through your metamorphosis.
Until next time... Black Man I love you!
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